The Deeley Express

"Are you waiting for anyone?" the hotel barman asks."Because there's a lady waiting over in the reception.""Yes I'm waiting for someone called..." Do I really have to say this? "... Cat."
"Pardon?"
"Cat. C-A-T. You know, as in knackers, cat and fiddle..."
The barman looks at me in a funny way and goes off to fetch her.

Cat Deeley is the presenter ITV are hoping is going to bump off Zoe Ball and Live and Kicking in the Saturday morning TV wars. Cat and her co-hosts Ant & Dec are hoping SMTV://LIVE & CDUK, their three-hour mix of cartoons, live music and game shows which includes the return of the Adventures of Captain Pugwash, will break ITV's record of dismal Saturday-morning shows. Since 1980's custard-pie orgy Tiswas, ITV has never really got it together on a Saturday morning. SMTV://LIVE & CDUK is aimed squarely at people who can pronounce its cumbersome title: teenagers rather than kids, and at the Friday night hangover crowd - people who bemoan the day Trevor and Simon left Live & Kicking and took their entrendres with them. Also falling by the wayside is ITV's The Chart Show, finally binned after MTV's Pop-Up Video showed them how it really should be done. Cat presents MTV's The Hit List and Amour - where she plays the Devil's Girlfriend. (According to MTV, hell is an abyssful of underdressed sexy women - something like a continuous Sir Mix-A-Lot video.) She was first spotted on a Clothes Show live event at Birmingham NEC and soon found herself on various catwalks and magazine pages. It's easy to see why.Cat's the girl you wished lived next door. She'd be good at garden sports, like spongeball tennis and handstands against the wall. And you could have bike races with her and let her lead, just to watch. And when you overtook her just before the finishing line she wouldn't get miserable or sulky - it's not part of her repetoire.
Despite the fact that she has had "no sleep" over the weekend after going to Ibiza with MTV, she looks fresh as a daisy."We had to keep the same hours as the clubbers but couldn't get monged," she says. Sporting a military look and a ear lobe-spanning smile at all times she apologises about her blocked-up nose,
"I must sound like a wally."

You seem quite good at spotting wrong 'uns. You turned down Stan Collymore. What are the tell-tale signs?
I think really someone who's quite dull. No jack-the-lads though, I'm not interested in bastards. If I thought I could take him home to my dad and mum he'd be OK. That old parent test: would my dad shake him warmly by the hand or would he hit him on the legs with an iron bar?

Sounds a bit extreme.
He wouldn't do that, really. I make my dad sound horrible; a big bearded warrior.

Did you enjoy school?
I got 9 A's for my GCSEs so I generally liked everything. Occasionally I got called a swot but only when we were joking around together. It wasn't like, nasty, so it was OK. Actually, it was a comprehensive with 2000 kids and sometimes it was a bit like gang warfare in the corridors and stuff. I used to hide.

When did you first notice boys?
Our family is quite a manly family anyway, cause there's like, my dad and my brother. It would be strange if your dad was womanly. I guess it would be, but he is a very manly man, like 6ft 4in and into sport.

What was your first paid job?
Washing cars. Because I used to play clarinet in an orchestra on a Saturday morning so I couldn't have a Saturday job, and my mum didn't want me to do a paper round because it got dark too early. So I used to wash cars. I was an expert car washer. I charged a quid; I really undersold myself. Thank God I've got an agent these days.

What's your favourite kids' TV programme?
I guess it would have to be Blue Peter. My favourite presenter was Ted Nutkins. I liked his seal. I liked the way the seal wiggled.

Why no puppets on SMTV://LIVE & CDUK?
We've got Ant. You can't see the strings.

Can you name your five favourite PJ and Duncan songs?
Have they done five? I know they've done that Monkeys one 'Stepping Stone' and I know they've also done another called 'U Krazy Katz' because my flat mate bought it for me just because it had 'cat' in the title.

If you were stuck on a desert island, who would you eat first?
Probably Ant because he's got a bit more meat on him. He's big on eating, so he'd probably satisfy my appetite more.

When was the last time someone told you "you look like you've got the cream"?
Today. Somebody at MTV. I get all that kind of crap.

You fancy Leonardo DiCaprio. Don't you think he looks quite rubbery and sweaty?
Yeah. I do. I'd love to check him out at close quarters just to see. I've read stories in the papers about him being a sleazebag but I wouldn't give him an inch. We might just have to have a torrid affair or something.

You've got four A Levels - do you think men expect beautiful women to be a bit stupid?
I think people do have that perception. It always takes a little time to wear people down.

What was the last book you read?
At the moment I'm reading Bitch by Elizabeth Wertzel. It's a little bit bitter and twisted. I read The Godfather before that. It's a good book. It's quite thick but you read it real fast.

Good value, then.
I got it from a charity shop so it's extra good value.

You think gay men are 'fantastic' - have you ever been out with one by mistake?
I hope not, or I hope I haven't turned anyone that way... well as far as I know, but that could be really dodgy, couldn't it? I don't think so.

You sound like you are having doubts.
I am. I'm thinking back... no they've all had girlfriends after me. You never know, one might do a Barrymore.

Like Michael Barrymore, you've got really long legs, is that ever inconvenient?
It is if you're going to the crockery section of Harrods. I'm like Bambi, I don't know what to do with my legs I'm so clumsy. Limbs everywhere.

When is it useful?
In Ibiza we had pool fights so they were useful - to squeeze the life out of someone.

Sound like you'd make a good Bond Girl.
They could call me Cat Galore.

What's the last embarrassing thing you did drunk?
The other night at a party I had too many Sea Breezes. I got on a table and started singing Frank Sinatra's 'My Way'. All my friends joined in doing percussion with cutlery, pans and stuff.

Do you ever wish you were a man?
I think it would be quite cool. The old weeing business; you can go anywhere. Bins, trees, laybys - I'd like that kind of freedom.

Tell me something that would make me like Eddie Temple-Morris.
Do you not like Eddie Temple-Morris? He's just a nice guy, a nice guy, honest... well I don't really see him that much because he does a different show to me and stuff. He is a nice guy.

Who do you think has the worst breath: Andi Peters or Jamie Theakston?
Well I've met Andi Peters and he's got sweet smelling breath, so it'll have to be Jamie Theakston. Although I don't know for definite. I'll have a sniff of it when I meet him.