Cat Deeley: TV Sex Goddess

"Hell-oooooooh," purrs a giggling feline voice, as we’re introduced for the first time. Ladies and gentlemen, cats and dogs, three seconds into the conversation and SM:TV’s Cat Deeley is living up to her name admirably. A mere 21 years old and this Brummie lass has already hosted a number of MTV shows, roadshows and presented Storm Model Agency’s "Face of ‘98" high-profile luvvie shindig. All this and she’s so foxy that packs of drooling hounds have been known to stray from the aniseed trail and chase her through central London instead. Miaow! Or, indeed, Grrrr! And now she’s here to share her crazy view on love, romance, Valentines and, um, corpses?

"I’ve had a boyfriend for four years, but I’m not a big one on Valentines I’m afraid," she admits. "We met when I was modelling. I think I’m probably very difficult to go out with, I’m a nightmare for making plans. Everything is last minute, but that’s partly down to my lifestyle. It’s the same with whoever I’ve been out with. Actually I’d go so far as to say that I’m potentially disastrous girlfriend."

So, how should I chat you up?
Just be genuine. Don’t force it, I get put off by all the usual lines. The cliches don’t work unless they’re really funny and make me cackle, then I might be impressed. Humour plays a big factor in it.

You mean like "Hold my pint, I’m just going for a shit"? Oh, never mind. What was your first experience with a boy?
I was about 14 when I had my first boyfriend, and it’s quite nice because I’m still friends with him now. He works in a comic shop in Camden and we often go out for a drink together. He moved down from Birmingham to London like I did.

Was it love?
When you’re young, you think that you’re indestructible and no one can tell you anything. With your first relationship you always think you’re all grown-up and adult. So, yeah, maybe it was.

Now that you’re an international starlet, have you encountered any smitten young chaps?
Well, I did get this really weird letter from a bloke in Belgium who was obviously out of his head on something. It was all little disjointed statements written in different coloured pens that had really been scratched into the paper. It was about spells, black magic and how he’d use a whip on me, then it listed people who should commit suicide. It was really frightening. Still, at least he’s in Belgium. If it was in London, then I’d be really scared.

Since her entrance into the world of media, surely Cat has copped off with a couple of celebs along the way. Jamie Theakston’s a bit of tart, or maybe former Blue Peter bad boy Richard Bacon.
I can honestly say that no famous men have tried it one with me!

Balls!
I’m serious!

Do you enjoy the attention lavished on you on Valentine’s Day?
Well, I’d rather be given flowers spontaneously. The thing is, on that one day of the year you invariably just go to a restaurant and have crap food, crap service with crap people around you pretending to be mushy. I’d much rather be lavished out of the blue. Love and romance shouldn’t be forced, should they?

Damn straight. So, come on, Cat, let’s cut to the chase: Ant or Dec?
Well, if you were going to have them, it would have to be both together. It’s more like a brother-sister thing, but we do have a little flirt. You can see the little twinkle in their eyes!

And what would be the soundtrack to this little menage a trois? Banging’ choons or a metal anthem?
Neither, it would have to be something nice, not necessarily sensual, but something stimulating. Celine Dion? Nah! Listen, just because I present a chart programme, it doesn’t mean that I have to listen to it. I suppose the Air album would be ideal, that’s nice, sensual music.

Who would be your ideal Valentine’s date from history?
Oh, there’s so many men and so little time. Do they have to be alive? I suppose a corpse rotting at the edges would be weird. Jim Morrison would be interesting, I really like him,, although apparently he was a lot shorter that Val Kilmer who played him in the film. I like Robert De Niro, Leonardo DiCaprio and, of course, Huey from the Fun Lovin’ Criminals, too. Any politicians? Here’s hoping! Oh yeah, Ant and Dec as well, it’s all that Geordie charm!

And with that, this decidedly Nineties lady has to dash off to charm some other sucker. All cards should be sent care of: The Cathouse, Catford, Kittyland.