PUSS IN BOOTS

Cat Deeley is winking at me. Definitely. In fact, she keeps winking at me. Under normal circumstances, if someone who looked like her was doing this, I'd need a cold compress and a lie-down - especially as I'm a sucker for a mild Brummie accent. But I've seen this wink before. On a Saturday morning, directed not just at me, but at the entire TV audience of the preposterously-titled SMTV://Live & CD:UK, the show she co-presents with those Geordie funsters, Ant and Dec. It's not a flirty wink, it's a charming wink. A fun wink. Cat uses it to punctuate her sentences, almost like a cheeky fulls top.
     She bounces into the bar where we've arranged to meet - wearing a white vest top, baggy cargo-pants, and the kind of trainers you go jogging in - and greets me, a total stranger, with a kiss on the cheek. I instantly feel at ease. She's sort of boyish and puppyish, but also ridiculously pretty. Her eyes twinkle, her skin glows and her teeth shine. She'll be giving Louise Nurding a run for her money in this year's Annual Cute Awards.
     Our conversation begins sedately, but a couple of beers later the two American businessmen sitting next to us are choking on their rocket and parmesan salad. Cat (short for Catherine) seems oblivious. At 21, she's a true professional, the kind of girl who gives off an aura of... sortedness. She's also a smart cookie, with nine As at GCSE and four A-levels to prove it. It's no accident that ina mere 11 months she's gone from jobbing model to juggling MYV's Hit List (and soon her own show) with the aforementioned ITV babe duties. In short, watch your back Zoe. There's a new kid in town...

So what's it like to wake up with Cat Deeley on a Saturday morning?
Not very pleasant at the moment. I wake up at 5am and stumble around in the cold and the dark. At first I feel quite nasty and angry about having to get up - you know, when your flatmates are all sleeping and you'd do anything to be in the warm - but then I get psyched up for the show and I'm alright.

Describe your typical Friday night/Saturday morning before you started on SMTV.
I always used to go out on Friday nights. We'd get home really late, have a sandwich, fall into bed about 7am, get up about one and have to step over the bodies strewn all over the place. There's a group of lads we know who live just down the road - they're our mates - and they sometimes stay over. then someone would do a run to Tesco to buy bacon. And if it was one of the lads making breakfast he'd use every pot and pan in the place.

What's your bedroom like?
White, with a white bed and duvet and bright cushions. A poster of Van Gigh's Sunflowers. Fairy lights. It's very messy. I share a flat in Golders Green (north London) with two other girls who are models.

What do you wear in bed?
A vest and pyjama bottoms, or nothing at all. It depends whether I've managed to take my clothes off at all.

I hear your party trick is being able to put large objects in your mouth. How did this come about?
It started off with apples and then it developed into other items...

Uh-huh...
Oops, that came out completely wrong - I didn't mean it like that. You know what I meant. I think I first discovered I could do it at school when I was trying to bite into an orange. It's nothing special, I just have to lick both corners of my mouth first then I'm fine.

Freak or unique! You should ring Chris Evans...
Actually I've already been on TFI Friday, though not in person - there was a cardboard cut-out of me behind him. My mum phoned me and said, "You're on Chris Evans!" I said, "Mum, I'm not. I'm sitting at home, eating a pizza, having a beer with the ladies." She insisted, so I switched it on and there was this life-size cut-out. You know, where Des Lynam and Jarvis used to be.

Would you like to be interviewed on TFI?
Yes. I've et Chris and he seems like a nice bloke. Also, my friend has rude dreams about him so I'd have to take her along. We saw him one night in the Met Bar and I went up and said, "My mate fancies you," so she got to meet him. She was well chuffed.

If she was returning the favour, who would she have gone up to on your behalf?
Huey from the Fun Lovin' Criminals. Actually, he came into MTV the other day. He's amazing. So Huey, or Leonardo diCaprio.

Isn't Huey single at the moment?
The female world rejoices!

What's on your stereo right now?
Catatonia. I think Cerys is wicked. She's brilliant. I love her whole attitude to glamour.

Do you get recognised a lot since SMTV started?
I get recognised more and more, but it's been a gradual thing. Ant and Dec get a lot more stick than I do, though.

Have you had any weirdo fan mail yet?
Yes, I got one the other day that was really dodgy from someone who was obviously way off it - out of their tree. It had all this weird Satanic stuff. Spells and things like, "I could use a whip on you." And it included other presenters. Things like, "So and so should fuck so and so"; "So and so should commit suicide." Very disturbing. thankfully it was written from a foreign country.

What about a website? You're no-one until you've got a website...
i have got one! My boyfriend works on the Internet and he kept looking and now I've got one.

How long have you been with your boyfriend?
Three years. I met him at Storm, my model agency.

Had any grief from the tabloids yet?
Yes. There was this whole made-up story about me turning down Stan Collymore because of his Birmingham accent. If that's the case then I'm the biggest hypocrite in the world. And my mates back home (Sutton Coldfield) would disown me. The papers just wanted to get at him and I was the person they used as a vehicle to do it. Accents I haven't got a problem with, and Stan Collymore I haven't got a problem with... (laughs) particularly now that I've heard he's good with his bunch of fives. I don't want to get punched.

When was the last time you punched someone?
Three months ago ina pub in Notting Hill. There was this guy who kept pinching my arse. he didn't know who i was or anything - he was just really pissed. In the end I turned round and went, "I am honest to God gonna punch you if you do that one more time." He got really mouthy so I went to hit him with the back of my hand and he flinched away and went quiet after that. I must have had real hate in my eyes. If I ever see him again, I guarantee I will punch him.

Is there any rivalry between you and Zoe Ball?
The media are creating a rivalry - probably unnecessarily. Obviously the ratings are important to us, but Live And Kicking's a totally different show. I'm not trying to be Zoe Ball. I'm not stepping into anybody's shoes. But obviously people are going to compare us.

Have you ever met her?
No. I saw her in Ibiza but I didn't meet her. I think she does a good job. I listen to the Radio 1 breakfast show. I like it.

How did you feel about posing naked for Sky?
I don't have a problem with it. As long as it's all harmless fun it's fine.

But what about the whole issue of... knowing that... er...
That young kids are having their first wank to me on a Saturday morning?

Couldn't have put it better myself.
It doesn't really bother me. I haven't met anybody that's frightened me, or taken it in a weird way.

Who have you interviewed recently for your show?
I did All Saints the other day and I was quite nervous about it because Nat goes out with Jamie Theakston.

What do you think of him?
He's lovely. He seems like a really nice bloke.

Do you fancy him?
Hes' nice, yeah. Anyone who can make Marks & Spencer's clothes look that good has got to be all right.

Ooh, you bitch. Did you think you'd get stick off All Saints, then?
No, because they're too professional. I just thought in their situation I wouldn't have made it particularly easy, but as it turned out they were fine with me. It's difficult enough to get bands to be on because it's early on a Saturday morning and no one wants to get up.

How has your new saturday mornign regime affected your sex life?
Ha ha. Well, on Friday nights I don't do anything at all. Be it drinking, playing pool or having sex. Actually I've got a shaved bit under here (points to top of head) because of my monk-like existence. I have to abstain from everything.

So it's a bit like being a footballer?
Yeah, it's like I'm in training. But doing a three-hour show is draining. It's a hell of a lot of pressure. We always go straight to the pub afterwards and until I get three-quarters of the way through a pint I'm like... rigid... can't speak, nothing. I need that time to get my head back together, I'm that worn out. But by the time I'm on to my second pint I'm OK - I'm playing air guitar on te table. Saturdays tend to carry on from there. We're in the pub by one o'clock, so I'm usually in bed by 10. We've all been up since 5am so we're all knackered by then.

And hammered?
Obviously.

What do you drink?
Beer or whisky - or both, in that order.

"Either Or" question. Who would you rather shag, Matt Damon or Ben Affleck?
Matt Damon. He strikes me as the more sensitive type.

What about Grant or Phil Mitchell?
Grant. Because basically I wouldn't do Phil's alcohol problem any good at all. He'd have an even redder nose.

Ant or Dec?
Oh no! Well, you can't really have one without the other, so it would have to be a threesome.

It's an interesting thought. Seriously though, what do you look for in a man?
He's got to make me laugh.

Would you go out with someone purely because they were brilliant in bed?
No, because you don't spend your whole time in bed. At the beginning you do, but after that you don't, do you? Anyway, I think if someone's good in bed thenthey have to be quite smart as well. You can't just be good in bed and not be pretty with-it at the other end... At the other end? Retract that. Er, what I'm trying to say is, I just think someone has to entertain you a bit first. You've got your maincourse, yeah, but you've alsio got your hors d'oeuvres. And hors d'oeuvres are pretty important. I want vol-au-vents.

So, what's your top tip for being a good lover?
Just be funny. I mean, if you step back from the whole sex thing, it's pretty fucking stupid-looking. Say if you were an alien who came down and saw two people shagging, you'd think: "Eh?!" So I think you can't separate sex from personality. You've got to be able to have a bit of a joke about it. Because if you don't it's far too serious and you think you're in a 70s porn film with Shaft playing in the background. And there's nothing attractive about that.

OK, how would you rate yourself in bed from 1-10?
Er. At sleeping, I'm a number 12.

And...
And that's my final thought, like Jerry Springer. Take care of yourself... and each other.